Living In Survival Mode 

I have been wanting to write about this topic for some time now, but like all things I do I tried to be “authentic” and to post when I feel the time is right and what I mean by that is- that if I hadn’t made some progress yet, I would never sit here and act like I could “give pointers or advice” but I have so here we are!

Recently I made an Instagram post about this topic and I got a lot of warm reception which made me believe that this topic being discussed could really help anyone reading.

 

The Healing Process

I started therapy for the first time in my life on Thursday January 21^st, 2021 and when I say I was desperate for help- I simply cannot express this enough- I WAS SINKING.

Upon my first session my therapist (with whom I just LOVE) started off by telling me that in my email to her I used the word “debilitated” three times.

Truth be told I had been sleeping so little at this time (probably 2-3 hours a night) and was having daily panic attacks combined with extreme anxiety and brain fog- So I didn’t even remember the email but it checked out.

I was DEBILIATED.

 

“You’re Surviving Not Living”

 

During one of our first sessions. My therapist had me take a “stress and overwhelm” brief assessment to see where I was at in terms of how I handle

1. Anxiety 2. Stress and where I was in the spectrum of 3. depression.

I answered all the questions honestly (as I do always) and we went through the results.

I remember after she graded the results she looked up at me, and I remember those early sessions how desperate I felt- and she said;

“you need to prepare yourself for the results.”

We did a quick “centering exercise” and breathe work and then she began reading.

I mean it’s kind of comical (I use dark humor to get through tough things) to think that a therapist has to tell you to “prepare yourself” for your results- but I knew how bad my anxiety was so I knew the results wouldn’t be pretty.

We started with depression- everything was graded on a scale out of 20.

She said I scored a 4/20 for depression- which we both thought would probably not even be the case if there wasn’t a global pandemic going on, on top of my normal winter blues- this wasn’t really our area of concern.

We then moved to hear where I scored on “anxiety” and “Stress”.

She paused, had me take a deep breath and asked me to read the number for both.

18/20

 I started BALLING.

I am not sure if it was a mix of validation, relief, fear and just overwhelming internal pain.I gathered myself and she said to me

“You are not living, you are existing, you’re in survival mode.”

I mean 18/20- that is no life, that is complete survival mode and I felt it- I was simply just existing and going through the motions in a body that felt like spiders were crawling under my skin 24/7, working on limited sleep and extreme brain fog.

 

An Idle Mind is the Devils Playground

I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember. Now knowing what I know I realize all those “tummy aches” as a kid or the “relentless petting of my hair” all contributed to me being a nervous nelly and an anxious mind.

See what happened however was that I was also diagnosed with ADD/ADHD (a real diagnosis not the over diagnosis BS) a true and true a real learning disability- that interfered with my life in many, many ways. 

So with my inability to focus, I started on ADD medication when I was in 7^th grade. So essentially the purpose of the medicine was to help me “focus” but the tricky part is that with an anxious mind you are already “overthinking” so now the medicine just caused me to hyper- focus more and more.

Overtime and (I will do a whole post on my journey to quitting Adderall after 15 years) I became used to having the medicine in my system, and ignored that although it helped me concentrate, it  was also contributing to my anxiety, lack of appetite and drastic mood swings and lack of sleep.

THE PERFECT STORM.

The more you take and the more you take over time, the more in turn you need – A LITERAL TICKING TIME BOMB.

I won’t use the word addicted, I will use the word “chemically dependent” when referencing my relationship with Adderall.

It was almost like I couldn’t even get my day started until I “popped an addy” but also I knew that it would lead to 1. Not being hungry 2. Mood swings 3. Irritability 4. Anxiety and probably 5. Lack of sleep

But hey it helped me focus right?

I felt like I couldn’t write a grocery list, work out or even hold a conversation without the medicine in me.

On days when I didn’t take it (more so weekends) I felt like a space cadet- had terrible brain fog, ate everything in sight and was overwhelmingly tired.

So In the spirit of transparency here- one of the reasons I delayed going to therapy for so long (I had a lot of relationship trauma that needed addressed in the years prior) was because I knew that the first step would be towards “weening of Adderall” and I was scared of what that looked like.

I hit rock bottom however, and had to learn how to “live again” and through therapy I am learning how to manage the intrusive and persistent thoughts of fear in my mind and essentially rewiring how I manage stress and overwhelm in all aspects of my life.

My only regret (as we shouldn’t have any) is not starting sooner- so I want to encourage anyone who feels they could utilize and benefit from therapy to owe it to yourself to try!

 

 Grace and Space

 Nobody really talks about what the healing process looks like- so I feel compelled to shed insight- and I NEED to first preference by saying-

IT truly is the most liberating, life changing experience of one’s life- and can help you in ways you couldn’t have ever imagined or dreamed off and I highly encourage anyone to seek “help” but

Healing is messy.

A lot of pain that you buried gets exposed, and you are shining a light on your deepest fears and your deepest pain- no longer allowing it to hide, and to manifest into other aspects of life or into debilitating anxiety.

You are saying NO MORE to the life you once lived, learning how to “rewire” your brain and training your mind to learn how to interpret or to release intrusive thoughts.

You are (as my therapist says) pulling at “the roots” and working through whatever comes up.

You are facing the traumas you may feel to embarrassed or ashamed to talk about.

You are releasing the shame and the guilt that you have felt over “how you wish you had been.”

You learn to grieve “the life you thought you would live” and to move forward with where you are.

And most importantly (at least for me) you learn to forgive yourself for how you acted when you didn’t know any better.

One day at a time

One task at a time

One breath at a time

One foot in front of the other

 

Breath and give yourself the grace and space (as much as needed)

Namaste

 

“Forgive Yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.”

 

Vibes
Xo,