The Quality of your Life is the Quality of your Relationships

“Cutting People Out of Your Life Doesn’t Mean You Hate Them, It Simply Means You Respect Yourself. Not Everyone is Meant to Stay.”

Toxic Friendships: When to fight for it verse when to leave

I just went through this exact situation, and I know that many others can also relate, as I recently put up a poll on my Instagram about topics to discuss on the site and this was a reoccurring theme, so here we go!

First, let’s start on a positive note, as this topic can get deep. In our day and age I’ve noticed that my generation and the next, for the most part are actively searching for happiness, and are taking less traditional paths in order to truly “Live our best lives.”

I find it incredible that our culture now puts an emphasis on self-care and happiness. I applaud each and every one of you who is truly taking steps within your life each and every day in order to go after your dreams and to be HAPPY!

Let’s Dive In

Okay, so as indicated above (PAY ATTENTION PUHLESE Teresa Giudice “Real Housewives of New Jersey”!) we see trends in the younger generation demanding the best out of life and stopping at nothing to achieve it. Through social media, we are able to see different individuals’ journeys to success and are also taught that it can be lonely at the top.

What I truly interpret this to mean is that you can have all the success in the world, but if you have no one to share it with, it is very lonely. I would go as far to say that it’s almost a proven fact that human beings need companionship or relationships with other humans in order to live a fulfilled life.

I mean you can watch the “SVU” episode where Stabler goes into solitary confinement if you want to disagree…it speaks for itself. Anyways, in my humble yet assertive opinion, truly any accomplishment in my life, if I wasn’t able to share the experience with my friends or family it almost wouldn’t be worth it for me. I’m almost getting annoyed at myself, but I will continue to reiterate “The quality of your life is measured by the quality of your relationships.”

This is a FACT

I mean honestly, if you surround yourself with a group of negative users that don’t have your best interests at heart, you can’t honestly think you will be happy, right!?! Find your VIBE TRIBES!

Another thing that I am pretty certain of is that having an AMAZING group of friends within your “Vibe Tribe” is no coincidence. If you lead by example and you truly are an amazing friend, I firmly believe that amazing people (who are also amazing friends) will be attracted to you. I also believe that by leading by example you will teach others how you should be treated. While I believe that it’s no coincidence that good people attract good people, like anything in life, dynamics and relationships are always changing, it’s just a part of life. What can become difficult is when a dynamic of a friendship starts to change, and you feel like the relationship is turning into a toxic situation.

This can become incredibly emotional and challenging where you’re at a crossroads of evaluating the friendship and wondering if you want to maintain it or if it’s time to let go. Like anything in life, there are ebbs and flows, and that is normal.

Say someone is your best friend in college, and you both move to different areas of the country upon graduation…obviously the dynamic of the relationship will be altered. Think about your childhood best friend whose side you never left as kids, and then in high school you suddenly have new friends or go to different schools. I’m sure you noticed that you to also saw a change in the dynamic of this friendship. In both of these examples, while the dynamic might have changed due to changes in life or geographically relocating, it doesn’t mean that the friendship is toxic or that it’s over, it just changed.

Personally speaking, I find that what troubles me most is deciphering between a change in the dynamic versus a toxic or unhealthy friendship and knowing when to step away.

“If a person always leaves you with mixed feelings, uncertainty and an unsettled mind, you don’t need to place your energy there.”
– Reyna Biddy

Friendship Cardinal Rules (as told by Merey)

While every friendship and situation is different, whenever I have found myself questioning the validity of a friendship I always go back to two words in my head…RECIPROCITY and PRIORITIZATION.

Ask yourself:

• Do you find that you’re always asking about your friend’s life but they never seem to bother asking you about yours?
• Do you find that you’re typically the first to initiate hang-outs or conversations every time?
• Do you find that they become unavailable or hard to reach at points?
• If you were in a time of need would they be someone you would be able to rely on?
• Do you notice that your friend is always choosing other people over you?

If you find that your friend is exhibiting any of the above behavior for a consistent length of time, I would go one of two routes.

If you think the friendship is absolutely worth saving and that the above hasn’t been a common thread throughout the entire friendship, I would advise on having a conversation with your friend—a “State of the Union” so to speak. Once you’ve had this conversation, it’s all about ACTION, NOT WORDS.

In most cases, if you approached a friend about how you feel and they aren’t reciprocating your efforts, I would say that most people would tell you everything you want to hear. That’s easy to do. The hard part is for them to implement a change. I also think that it’s important to remember that everyone is different. For example, I know that I like to coordinate outings with my friend groups, and because of my very outgoing personality, I am usually the one engaging the most, however my group of friends check in on me, and definitely reciprocate the efforts.

Action Steps

While I would say that I have done a pretty amazing job of only surrounding myself with a group of kickass friends, recently I was in a situation where I was unsure of the certainty of a friendship.

A little backstory… I met the friend I am referencing the last five years living in the New York/New Jersey area. We had become close and I felt like we were experiencing similar things in life and were both on a self-care journey together which allowed us to connect. We also both experience debilitating anxiety and would talk through this struggle together. What started to happen however, was that I felt like I was constantly there for this friend, and she really started not showing up at all for me. I noticed that when I stopped asking about how she was, how was work, etc., I never heard from her. This was a very unsettling feeling and caused me to experience anxiety about the uncertainty of the friendship. What sucked the most was deciphering whether or not I thought that this friendship would be worth fighting for—and this is mostly wondering how my friend would act when I approached her.

Through daily work on myself my body is now so in touch with my mind, that it physically lets me know when something is no longer right for me, or when I’m in a toxic situation. As cliché as it may be, listen to your gut. ALWAYS. If it’s telling you that you are not being treated in the way you deserve, listen to it.

Confrontation

If you have decided that you can no longer allow yourself to be consumed by such thoughts of not being valued by a friend and believe that the friendship is worth saving, I would highly recommend having an adult conversation about it. For the record, and I’m sure my sister will disagree, but confrontation is not easy for ANYONE, not even those who are more outgoing or assertive, so just know you’re not alone.

In my real-life experience with this situation, I started noticing that I was the only one ever initiating conversations or trying to get together. Every time I would try to coordinate a get together, she always had something else to do. This went on for a few months.

Listen, we are ALL busy, but if you truly are a friend, you make the time and if you can’t make the time to physically hang out, you should make an effort to check in on your friend, no matter how good they may SEEM.

For a good bit of time, instead of confronting my feelings of insecurity or uncertainty regarding the friendship, I remained silent and allowed it to bother me and consume my thoughts in a negative manner. This was going directly against a “Good Vibes” lifestyle and was eating away at my energy.

Lights, Camera, ACTION

To put my money where my mouth is, I decided to reach out to her to let her know that I was hurt by the lack of effort she was putting in towards our friendship. I tried my best to make the conversation objective and not to attack or place blame. BLAMING and ATTACKING cause the other person to go on the defensive and typically nothing productive happens.

While I understand that sometimes we go through times in life where we have less free time, it’s important to try to make an effort with those who you love. Love yourself enough to decide to work on yourself each and every day in order to truly understand your SELF-WORTH and VALUE. This means you should notice reciprocity and prioritization in all of your friendships.

I was able to have a conversation with my friend where I simply stated how I felt. My friend was receptive but made light of the conversation and instead tried to blame conflicting schedules, but said that she would make more of an effort. I was very clear in what I was looking for and ended the conversation by explaining that the ball was now in her court. I gave her the open door that I was willing to work on our friendship if she would initiate some action.

Unfortunately for story telling purposes, I have yet to hear from her, however, I actually don’t see this as a negative because I have no room for people who are not aligned with my goals and who bring any negativity into my space. There is also a sense of closure in realizing that your unsettled feelings were not just you being irrational, but rather, warranted.

I also think it helps you to grow to learn how to let go when something no longer serves you. Although it feels like a loss, if someone can’t reciprocate my efforts, then it truly is a toxic relationship and I have no place for this in my life. Also, by allowing negativity within your Vibe Tribe, you begin to close yourself off from positivity entering into your life.

On one final note, when you’re actively working on yourself you will be surprised at how little negativity you’re willing to put up with. Love yourself and value your self-worth—let this be your guiding point in life, in order to achieve happiness.

“Stop Inviting people who don’t celebrate you to your party! It’s YOUR life- you have the right to be exclusive.”
– Mandy Hale

Oh, and celebrities…they’re just like us. Let’s take a moment to reflect on some former “Hollywood Duo’s” from friendships past.

1. Bethenny Frankel and Jill Zarin (Real Housewives of New York City)

This friendship ending was very painful for us dedicated “Housewives” fans, as I truly believed these two loved one another. B did show up to Bobby’s funeral which was iconic and what we needed. (On another note now that B is out for the next season, it’ time to bring ZARIN back!)

2. Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie (The Simple Life)

The friendship breakup heard around the world—how could the two girls who practically invented reality tv not be able to make it work. While they have since mended fences, the friendship is not the same, and Paris even missed (not invited to?) Joel and Nicole’s wedding. (Interesting turn of events as Paris is now seen partying with Nicole’s much younger sister, Sofia Richie.)

3. LVP and Kyle Richards (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills)

“GOOODBYE KYLE” can be heard playing over and over in our heads, as this was the final moment for LVP and Kyle. If you can watch the montage at the reunion of their friendship over the years without crying, then you have no SOUL. Honestly, I still feel hopeful about some type of reunion (hopeful I know). On one last final note, when I was recently at WWHL I asked Andy if LVP requested to be brought off stage during BravoCon when the RHOBH cast arrived and he confirmed she in fact did request that. (Still hopeful for the OGS…)

Okay that was emotional. Sending all the vibes for 2020. Know your worth and demand the best out of LIFE.

“Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.”
– Ed Cunningham

Vibes
Xo,