Defining Boundaries

How to Know When A Friendship Has Turned Toxic 

 “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brene Brown

 

Defining Boundaries

“Boundaries are basically about providing structure and structure is essential in building anything that thrives.” – Henry Cloud

  A plus side within the pandemic or one “silver lining” that I have personally found to be true is having the opportunity to truly work on myself as our mental toughness has never been tested quite like it has this past year.

 For most of us, there was underlying issues that needed to be addressed prior to the pandemic, however we allowed the “busy-ness” of life to get in the way, as we coasted through  our daily lives on auto pilot allowing our days to be swallowed by our to do lists, never being present and not prioritizing our  self- care and mental health needs.

 With the sudden and immediate closure of the world last March, causing our busy lives to halt, and with much more time on our hands- we have almost no choice but to address what was going on in our heads and how to manage.

  See during tough times, we really learn about people’s character and what they value in life, and we see how that aligns with our own beliefs and way of life. Tough times test tough people, and during tough times we really get to see who is there for us and unfortunately also who is not there for us.

“When you say “yes” to others, make sure you’re not saying “no” to yourself.”- Paulo Coelho

 For me in specific, something I have really been working on, is not just establishing boundaries but more so MAINTAINING boundaries with friends and family for the sake of my own mental health and self- love for myself.

“Boundaries for me are the ultimate form of self -love and shows you are committed to trying to make a relationship work but not at the sacrifice of your happiness.”

  Personally, I think that I can come off as being super tough and loud, which leads people to assume that I have no problem standing up for myself or with setting boundaries, but while you can be “tough” or “loud”, you may also really like to be LIKED or to feel like you “belong” and often that means letting a lot of people into your circle.

I don’t see wanting to be liked or wanting to belong as a problem, until you start ignoring your boundaries in an effort to be liked or to “belong.”

 

Your Vibe is Your Tribe

 

Or “How do your interactions Leave you feeling?”

 *Disclaimer* Two terms I will use below (catabolic and anabolic) are both specific to coaching, but I find them powerful.

 To note, in coaching we do not believe there are “good or bad” energies, just different types- and we work to raise your awareness to what energy you are living, and help you move from where you currently are to where you want to be! (will go into this more)

 Catabolic Energy: Draining, destructive energy. This type of energy releases catabolic chemicals, such as cortisol and adrenaline which actually eat away at our very cells.

 Anabolic Energy: Constructive, Building, healing energy. This type of energy releases anabolic hormones, such as endorphins and dopamine, into the body.

 *With this you CANNOT NOT be successful.

 The more anabolic energy you have the more successful you are.

Okay so we always hear “Your Vibe Is Your Tribe”, but this is much more than some cute, catchy phrase- it’s a way of life!

Truly, what I find it to mean is that we really need to be very mindful of who we allow to take real estate in our heads, and to be more aware of whether the relationship is producing Catabolic (draining, destructive) or anabolic energy (building, constructive, healing).

  Long story short, essentially ask yourself; “How do I feel during or after I interact with XYZ?”

  Do I feel depleted, tired, anxious and that the conversation and relationship is all about them?

 Do you know where you stand with someone or are you constantly confused?

 Sigh.

Okay- how about this, after interacting with someone do they leave you feeling Energized, Motivated and appreciated?

Do you know exactly where you stand with a friend, and you never(or rarely) feel anxious or unsure?!?!

YES, YES- that’s the good stuff- the “Vibe Tribes”

 It’s really important to start being more present in understanding how our relationships effect our own energy, and it’s even more important to recognize when those relationships are negatively impacting our lives.

 We are the sum of our parts and the people with whom we surround ourselves with those are going to be the biggest influencers of our energy- so with that CHOSE accordingly.

The Quality of The Relationships in Your Life, Is the Quality of Your Life and that is extremely powerful in itself.

With that I would say if you’re left feeling unsure of where you stand with someone, the most powerful and rewarding way you can handle the situation is to simply have a conversation about it with the other person.

COMMUNICATION IS KEY. We cannot ASSUME that others know what we are feeling and what our needs are without communicating them FIRST.

 Once you start communicating boundaries, or that you feel like a relationship has taken a turn for the negative, you will quickly be able to see where you stand with someone- based on their level of commitment towards addressing the issues.

 So while it may seem like the WORST CASE SCENARIO, to realize that a friendship/relationship has changed, and that maybe that relationship has run it course, it’s actually a blessing in disguise- because ridding yourself of negative energy- only leaves room for someone else to come into your life to fill it with positivity!

 The unknown is what causes us anxiety and stress, healing starts with communication.

It’s important to know exactly where you stand with people, and for you to decide what you are willing to allow into your life and what you will not.

We Only Receive the Treatment That We Allow and when we continue to allow our needs to be neglected, we are showing others that this is an acceptable way to be treated, when it is not.

 And one last thing, let us normalize as a society that relationships do change and sometimes they are not forever, but they all serve their own purpose.

Maintaining Boundaries

“The Only People Who Take Issue with You Having Boundaries, Are the One’s Who Need You’re Boundaries The Most.”

 When is it time to set boundaries or too address issues?

 Honestly I think whenever you are feeling in an unknown space with someone- you should address it as I am a firm believer in gut intuition and that fact that whenever I am being treated in the way I deserve, I am never left feeling unsure where I stand with someone.

Typically if your ever having to question whether you are being treated correctly or not I would say 99.9% you are NOT being treated correctly.

We teach others how to treat us by showing them the treatment that we will allow.

So if your feeling unsure about the way you are being treated, address this with your friend and see how they handle it. You never know- maybe they are having a really private situation and they didn’t know how to talk to you about it, and it has caused them to not be there for you as much.

Maybe however the relationship has run its course, and that shift is related to growing apart #growingpains

Regardless of the outcome of the situation, communication is the only way that we are ever able to learn.

 

 

How to Set Boundaries

 Okay so let’s say that you start to notice, or there has been a shift where you find that you are the only one in the relationship who is checking in, reaching out and trying to make plans with the other person.

Okay so let’s now say that this has become such an issue for me that I decide to reach out to X friend and communicate that I feel like the friendship is one sided. I would first recommend, sitting down and possibly journaling or writing a letter to said friend- addressing all the points you want to cover. I would then suggest reading the letter or points to yourself, and to decide the best way to state them.

REMEMBER “I STATEMENTS” not BLAMING:

Scenario ONE:  I FEEL HURT that our friendship has changed in the dynamic, and often I feel as though I am the only one reaching out lately. With that I wanted to check in to see if you feel the same shift, or if there was something I did that I was unaware of?

 Okay so you can make it your own, but I think often this is a common issue that friendships have- when the reciprocity starts to shift and one friend is taking on all the work within the friendship.  

Okay so in this situation, you could realize as we mentioned above, that hey maybe they have something going on and they don’t have as much time for us right now as they did- but its nothing we did.

Okay great- now we know!

There is also the case, where we unfortunately realize that they haven’t been making us a priority and that’s where we decide where we want to proceed.

If we think the relationship is worth it- we will fight for it and with that personally I have found that by that by simply just implementing boundaries, I am able to see those who respect and honors them (true friends/good energy) and in turn I am also able to those who do not respect the boundaries (bad energy/not fulfilling friendships.)

So in the example above, if we discover that nothing is really going on except that they haven’t been prioritizing us a boundary could be along the lines of

 

Example One Part Two: I would like to make this friendship work, but there needs to be more of a balance. I am putting the ball in your court- if you would like to make this work, I need to see you make more an effort.

 In the example above, obviously we would all like to see our friends being receptive and starting to reach out again/make the effort, but sometimes this isn’t the case- but it’s better to know where you stand with someone, then to continue to allow them to cross your boundaries.

 

More Boundaries Examples

Some other examples of situations where you may need to address boundaries

Not the Butt of Your Joke

Scenario Two:

 Let’s say that someone is always making you the “Butt of the joke” and whenever you don’t go along with it, or if you call them out- let’s say they gaslight you by saying “you’re so dramatic” “it’s just a joke” or “You’re so sensitive, relax.”

 I will say this, all feelings are VALID no matter if someone thinks you’re overreacting or not. If you do not like the way you feel by how someone is treating YOU- it is your right to speak UP to them.

If someone genuinely has an issue with you telling them- that you do not like how they are treating you, then they are benefitting from your lack of boundaries.

Think about it- if you had a friend come to you and say something along the lines of

Example: Hey I really don’t like always being the “butt of the joke”, it makes me feel bad and makes me feel like you’re making fun of me.

Okay if someone came to you as a friend and said this- could you imagine gaslighting them into thinking it’s their fault that their taking something to personal or by invalidating someones feelings? 

 

NO is a Full Sentence

  Are you someone or do you know someone who simply cannot say no to people, even when they really want to?????

 This is someone who will say that “anything is fine for dinner” and will end up going to a restaurant they don’t like because they didn’t say No.

This is someone who in the middle of the night, you know if you called them that they would drop anything for you, even if say they had work first thing.

This is someone who always SHOWS UP for YOU even when you don’t show up for them.

Okay let me preference this by saying that sometimes, there are people who are more “givers” in life than others and that they get great joy out of going above and beyond, this is not really who im talking about. I am more talking about when the boundaries is crossed and the relationship is all one sided, where one person is the GIVER and the other is the TAKE, TAKE, TAKERS. 

This is situation where someone knows that their “friend” cannot say no and they exploit this aspect of them, by continuing to ask for things, that will benefit them at the expense of a friend

YIKES!!!!!!

While I am all about the need to communicate our needs and to not assume that others know, I also have a pretty low tolerance for “users” so with that as always- only we know what is best for ourselves, and our gut intuition is a very powerful tool. If you feel like you are constantly being put into situations where you cannot voice “no” to your friends, if you really think its unintentional- I would advise having a conversation about it- a “state of the affairs” so to speak.

If you feel like this person is fully aware that you have a hard time saying no and they continue to push and push, i would say it’s time to kick them to the curb!!!

AS a side note, saying NO to people you love is so hard, we are humans and we never want to feel like we are “disappointing” or “not showing up for someone” but self-care requires a bit of “selfishness” and sometimes saying No is exactly what you NEED.

And one last reminder- when you SAY NO- it’s a full sentence.

 

In Conclusion 

 Whether a friendship has run its course completely or the dynamic of the relationship has simply just shifted I wish as a society that we could normalize that relationships will pivot or not all relationships/friendships are built to last and that often they are here to serve one purpose or another in our lives- so as always TAKE THE LESSON.

And lastly, it’s one of the most important things in the world to set up boundaries for yourself and to stick to them. If you express your concerns and boundaries with a “friend” and they are unable to accept- then show them the DOOR.

I know I am making this sound SO easy- it’s probably the area in life (besides my anxiety) that I struggle the most with.

I will also not sugarcoat it- losing a friend is extremely emotional and can cause you to grieve for the loss of a friendship or dynamic that once was and that’s okay, let yourself feel that. The only last bit I will leave you with is that once you finally are able to accept that someone is no longer good for you, once you can get yourself to a point of accepting it and then moving forward- it’s almost like you have released a poison from your body- you automatically feel lighter, and it allows you to invite in people who align with your values and those who respect you and we all deserve that!!

 

 “If someone throws a fit because you set boundaries, it’s just more evidence the boundary is needed.” – Unknown 

 

 

Vibes
Xo,