Gaslighting;

“Manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.”

  Within the past few years, I like to think largely due to the “ME Too Movement” as well as what I like to call the “Mental Health Movement”- even more so during the Global Pandemic and with  politics we have all been made aware of the verbal, emotional abuse and manipulation tactic known as “gaslighting.”

As with anything often buzz words lose meaning because of over-use or misuse, but gaslighting is a very serious tactic used primarily (IMO)  by narcissists in order to try to control another person’s emotions as well as to manipulate the narrative of a situation to their benefit, dismissing the feelings of the other as them simply “being crazy.” 

Narcissist Personality Disorder:

Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others’ feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement.

Real Talk

 My ex who I dated for 6 years could write the book on a textbook gas lighter and the worst part is – just like 70% of those in an emotionally abusive relationship– I to wasn’t aware that there was a form of abuse happening because of societies conditioning and the power of gaslighting- you truly begin to feel like it’s all in your head. 

 More so because it wasn’t physical and because I thought it was “all in my head”- yep my friends he was a master gas-lighter and as an unaware empath at the time- it was a recipe for disaster. 

  I knew deep down pretty early on that  something was wrong- but I didn’t know it was classified as abuse- because it wasn’t physical, I could just feel it in my soul  that this wasn’t right but I simply didn’t know how to get out for many years- until I did. 

  I like to consider myself a pretty vulnerable person and with that I decided it was time to come completely clean about my experience- and to finally work through and heal the wounds of my past (also thank you weekly therapy!)

 As an incredibly vulnerable person-  I would also have to admit that this relationship was probably(one of) or the most traumatic experiences of my life,  in which I am still actively healing from and often I downplay (even to myself) how much daily emotional abuse and gaslighting tendencies caused me pain, anxiety and depression.

 I share so if you are in any sort of relationship experiencing the same you can recognize- because at the time I didn’t realize this was a form of abuse- I simply felt crazy and like I was “overreacting” because I am a highly sensitive person (#empathlife)

For anyone who is still healing from said abuse- I am with you, you are brave as hell- keep going. 

 

“The only way out is through.”

 

 

Living a life on Egg Shells

No person should ever leave you feeling bad about expressing any discomfort or any upset towards words they speak especially to You, ABOUT YOU. As an empath, I am a highly sensitive person so maybe words hurt me more than others but regardless no one has the right to tell you how to FEEL- Your feelings are VALID. 

My ex liked to over-indulge with alcohol (to say the least)  and then leave the messes he made- for me to fix, and because I didn’t know better often I did. Somehow I had also been convinced that his messes were my messes- SIGH. 

He would get all lit up- not answer any of my calls/texts the whole evening- to only come back to berate me verbally. Things I said were critiqued and ridiculed, my physical appearance was made fun off and I even remember being told I was “fat” countless times- the verbal berating continued to get worse and worse. 

I would spend half the night crying and wondering “what it was that I did to deserve this” all while he “slept it off.”

He would say the rudest things about people to me, even about “our friends” or those closest to me (and about me) no one was off limits-  and sometimes would even to my dismay make his horrible feelings known to social media, and specifically to twitter at the time.

I remember when he would go out drinking, I would continue to check social media frantically at all hours of the night. Even on work nights- he caused me many sleepless, anxious nights. 

When I would ask him to take something down-or when his hangover subsided when I would tell him how much his words hurt he would often discount me to say

“You care so much about what others think.”

“Why don’t you back me up like you back others up.”

“Oh here we go- you’re so sensitive.”

I was also called a “spoil brat” or that I had “everything handed to me” so that’s why I cared so much to why he spoke that way to me and others.

And lastly and worse:

“Well then just break up with me then if you hate me so much.”

Cue the sob story and the play on my exact emotions to actually in moments of my complete pain, and through emotional abuse- he gaslight me into thinking the problem was now my fault.

One night he came over completely black out drunk- and I found a woman’s earring on him and writing it out I now know how silly it sounds but somehow he convinced me that he did nothing wrong.

He then- like any true gaslighter and emotional abuser- then had the nerve to spin the story to me now accusing me of cheating.

The very mere thought that I could bring up cheating- somehow to a gaslighter meant that I was cheating?

I think I might have even ended up apologizing ( I honestly cant remember as the emotional/verbal abuse was constant especially towards the end.)

It was the constant lack of empathy, and lack of accountability – always finding a way to make it about it being my fault. It was constant, and continued to get worse and worse until I took the narrative back.

This is my story, and no one has the power to control my narrative.

Once we broke up- I realized how powerless a gas-lighter really is- and how powerful a highly sensitive person is- but sometimes this cruel world tells us otherwise. Don’t let the world tell you anything- listen to the voice inside no matter how many times people tell you “its all In your head.” 

To anyone who is currently in a romantic relationship with any form of abuse- I stand with you- you are strong. 

 

Forgive Yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know, before you learned it. – Maya Angelou 

 

Gaslighting in Friendship 

 While often gaslighting can take the form in a romantic relationship- make no mistake that this form of abuse can present itself in any type of relationships, and that to includes friendships. 

What gaslighting in friendships can look like is the following;

For example:

Let’s say that a friend of yours always makes you “the butt of the joke.”

Mind you there is nothing I love more in the world then laughter! Both when I can make others laugh and when I am laughing.

  What I mean is- when the jokes start to play on WHO you are or make fun of something you like and if you continue to express that you no longer want to be the butt of the joke and our dismissed as “were just joking”, “Don’t be so sensitive”- this is gaslighting.

It’s the very dismissing of your feelings, and then turning it on you- LIKE YOUR CRAZY or in the wrong.

Our feelings are valid and any dismissal of those feelings is not right.

Getting All Worked UP

I’m sure this comes as no surprise but I am a huge talker LOL and my therapy (outside of actual therapy) is to process the overthinking and racing thoughts in my head, I have to talk out situations to calm myself down.

Probably my biggest pet peeve in life is when I am in the middle of processing through a story- and my feelings and being told;

“Let’s not talk about this anymore to keep upsetting you, you get all worked up let’s drop it.”

UMMMMMMMM- how about I drop you my life? (Okay kidding but) 

Dramatic- yes, but do not ever de-validate someone’s emotional experience and in turn accuse them of being the problem.

We are the observer of our thoughts and the thoughts we attach meaning to is personal to our experiences on earth- so kindly If I am to sensitive for you to respect my boundaries- I will find more sensitive souls to protect my peace.

DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT.

 

More to come………

 

In Conclusion 

Cheers to all my sensitive souls who do not let the cruel world harden them rather to use our gift to heal others and to empower empathy, compassion, kindness and understanding- this world wasn’t made for us but we were made to better this world!

Keep being you, all of you- you will find your place and your people.

 

Vibes
Xo,