Projections, Rejections and Haters, OH MY! Part Two

When I originally wrote this post I wanted to cover all three topics, but as I was writing I was just too passionate and decided to break them up into Part one and Part two.

Part two, “Rejections” is a topic that probably affects me most in my life and is therefore the most personal for me to write about. I hope that it resonates with you as well.

Rejection.

As someone who is an “Aspiring/WANNABE Influencer” who openly wants to be in the “public eye,” it may come as a surprise that one of the things in life I struggle with most is rejection, but it’s the truth. In some weird twist of fate, I actually feel like I was meant to be in this type of industry, in order to challenge myself every day to become more comfortable with how uncomfortable rejection makes me feel.

“Rejection.” I literally just cringed writing this word, because this is one area of my life that is still very much a WORK IN PROGRESS. If I’m being totally 1000% honest, it’s obvious that I hate BEING REJECTED and when someone doesn’t like me, well, there is almost nothing worse.

I know you may probably be like “God, this industry will eat her alive.” I am confident however, that it will not because of my approach to how I think about rejection. Through a lot of self-reflection and work on myself, I know that the root of my hate for rejection comes from when I was a wee little Merey tyke.

As a young girl, I never truly felt like I had a place with my peers, because while most kids were playing outside, I would rather have been sitting inside at 6 years old, sipping coffee while watching “I love Lucy” or “ The Nanny” re-runs, in my purple plush Limited Too bathrobe. Oh, and don’t forget the silk leopard pajamas with matching slippers!

Among my other hobbies, I wrote a sitcom that my friends and I would film and star in, called “Change of Hearts.” My dad recently had all of the tapes converted to DVD; they are GOLD! I will post them at another time.

Last “fun fact” to really paint the picture of my little self as an “outsider.” I also didn’t like PIZZA as a child, and well, you can imagine how that got me even more friends. Literally imagine the awkwardness at every single kid’s birthday party as the weird girl who didn’t like pizza. (Fear not, unfortunately for me and my waistline, I did develop a love for Domino’s and pizza in my 20’s.)

While I could go on and on about how I felt left out in my childhood, I want to relate to a story that recently happened in an effort to come full circle with how I deal with rejection.

And per usual…
**Disclaimer** My goal in life is to share my stories in hopes that I can help or reach someone who can relate. My intentions are never to troll someone. I am just merely sharing my personal experience in the hopes that it can help someone maybe not feel so alone.

Before being honest with myself and finally accepting the reality that I am not cut out to be an “Office Bitch,” I was working in the payroll industry. Although this was not so long ago, at points it feels like a lifetime ago, which is good, meaning I am growing and learning how to handle rejection and move on, or at least I HOPE SO!

As I wrote about in my “I Quit My Job, Now What?” post, I worked in the payroll industry after graduating from college. I was at one company for about 3 and a half years before deciding to move onto another company within the same industry. I had an amazing group of co-workers who became close friends at my old company, and I thought that I could find a new core group of co-workers at the new job.

As with any job, there are stresses, and having a support system is something I found so very important. Well, as they say, “Make Plans and God Laughs”, or as I like to think, “The Universe wanted to teach me a lesson.”

Upon starting my new job, I became close with a particular co-worker. We ended up doing routine Friday Happy Hours and would even attend the company holiday party together. I truly thought we were great pals.

Looking back on when things took a spiral, I can’t help but wonder if that was how she always felt, or if there was a moment I did something or what it was that I did. I know I will never know the exact answers.

On the night I met the King of Bravo, THE ANDY COHEN (for the first time) my co-worker showed me her true colors and feelings that she had pent up against me.

While we can always allow ourselves to be haunted by the past, I chose to let it go for my own sense of peace. I also hold myself accountable for not being more self-aware of how others, specifically this individual, was perceiving me and my role in the whole “friendship.”

What happened was, we had a work event and while we were walking to the Happy Hour afterwards, that’s where in the flesh I saw Andy Cohen, and his beloved dog Wacha. While everyone I was with from my office noticed Andy as well, I was the only one who mustered up the courage to approach him and to secure the GRAM pic! I am pretty sure that everyone at my company knew how much I love Housewives, Bravo and Andy, and there were a few co-workers ahead of my group who saw Andy first and called me to let me know out of pure excitement for me.

Reflecting back, it’s important to focus on the good of those in your life, not those who bring in negativity. Not to toot my own horn, or “weird brag”, but legit, once I arrived at the company happy hour, it felt like everyone was walking up to me expressing how happy they were for me.

I was getting texts and calls from all my family and friends. My sister actually joked at one point she thought people were as happy for me as they would be if I got engaged. LIKE THIS WAS A BIG DAY as superficial as it sounds but imagine meeting your IDOL. I felt like no one, or nothing could ruin that day.

Everything was going well, drinks were flowing, and as most nights involving drinking go, sometimes you can’t pinpoint the exact moment something went wrong and there are ALWAYS two sides to a story, this is just mine.

At the happy hour, enjoying ourselves, we head off to the the ladies’ room and when we came out, all of a sudden my co-worker who I thought was one of my closest friends at work, started UNLEASHING every negative feeling she ever had about me.

I honestly, can’t think of a time I was more hurt, shocked and overall speechless in my life.

I think what hurt the most was that this wasn’t just someone drunk yelling at me, this was someone who was attacking SPECIFIC aspects of my personality and confirming my worst fears—one of them being that my personality can be a “bit too much at times” and is “over the top”.

As someone who has always been “outspoken” and needing their voice to be heard, this has been a huge insecurity and vulnerability my entire life. I can honestly say that any “regrets” I have in life are the times when I look back and realize that I was completely holding back who I was in fear that others would find it to be “too much”.

Questions I always ask myself…

• Have I said too much?
• Why do I feel people want to hear what I have to say ?
• Am I too much for people?

After my co-worker and “former friend” spoke her piece, I sat back because well, it hurt, and it hurt a lot. I remember going home that evening and feeling so sad, all my excitement gone. I pondered, is this really what she thinks of me? Do others think this way? I went into panic mode and on a Friday evening, the “Sunday Scaries” for work that Monday had already set in. From that point on I tried twice to reach out to see if we could talk through our issues, but I simply was told “we are two different people, and that she “liked to keep to herself, and I don’t.”

For the next few months, prior to quitting, I dealt with her ice-cold shoulder, eye rolling, consistent need to un-include me, and extremely hostile energy— all while trying to be professionals working together.

There was no kindness I could provide that would make her like me or better yet even RESPECT me. I had two options here, “fight or flight” so to speak. I could shrivel up and be a wallflower, like she wanted me to be, or I could not allow her to “dim my light,” and I could stay true to myself and who I am.

I also think about the Gossip Girl episode when Serena says to Blair; “I am not going to Dim my light, so that you can shine a little brighter.” I mean I can’t, and I won’t. Not for anyone. Hate me for who I am, but do not like me for someone I am pretending to be.

For several months, I continued to be myself, no matter how much I knew—and could visibly see—her pure disdain for me. What I chose to do in this situation was to take a step back to reflect:

• YES, I am over the top, and like attention
• YES, I let my opinion be known and heard
• YES, I may overshare about my life on social media and in general

Does all of this bring me enjoyment?
YES

Did staying TRUE to MYSELF provide me with a determination and realization of the STRENGTH and CONFIDENCE I have in myself?
YES

Alexa, play Christina Aguilera “Fighter”.

In all seriousness, I won’t even go into decoding why I think that individual felt she had the right to treat me so badly, and I MEAN HORRIBLY, but I want to thank her.

• Thank you for the lessons on patience
• Thank you for showing me how painful rejection can be so that I do not treat anyone like this in the future
• Thank you for allowing me to realize that my light is powerful, and that no one can, or will, ever dim it
• And last but not least, thank you for allowing me the opportunity to add another life lesson to my story, and if I can help even one person with this story, in my humble opinion, I’ve already “won” here

I was afraid of being rejected. YES. I was also afraid of being accepted for the wrong reason.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.“
Dr. Suess

SENDING GOOD VIBES to anyone who needs a little extra today.

Vibes,
XO