Why Am I Anxious? The Deconstruction Of Anxiety

 

“Anxiety is the original source of threat, in the root of suffering.”

 

 What would your life look like if it was free from fear and anxiety?

This was the first question that Dr. Todd Pressman, a Psychologist, and the author of the book, “ The Journey from Fear to Fulfillment:The Deconstruction of Anxiety” asked us at the beginning of our 3 ½ day intensive anxiety webinar workshop back in August.

At first, I was taken aback from the question- because A LIFE WITHOUT ANXIETY is something I couldn’t ever DREAM OF-

LITERALLY– can you?!?

With that however, I knew that I wanted to give my all during the workshop- to get the most out of It that I could, and with that I made myself a promise, that I wouldn’t stop asking questions when confused or needing clarification- and that I would be honest with myself about my truth and my struggles- no matter how vulnerable I had to get.

“ I was there to heal and to free myself from fear associated to my anxiety.”

I got myself into the right mindset, a reserved and zen one- tuning out the outside world (and social media) for the long weekend. Most importantly I was PRESENT. 

Being that I was there to make life changes, once I heard the question, I took a deep breath, thought long and hard- and then immediately raised my hand (via zoom) and was immediately called on!

HOLY ANXIETY.

  I responded to Dr. Pressman’s question by simply saying;

 “I Would be Completely Limitless and quite literally nothing would stop me from success, if I didn’t have anxiety.”

BOOM.

#alifewithoutanxiety

 Could you even imagine?

I know I asked that already but could you!?!?

 

Why Do We Have Anxiety? 

 

Intention Setting 

We were then asked, what our intentions were for the weekend and were asked to write down in as much detail- exactly what we intended to get out of the training- really emphasizing “details, details, details- .”

Good thing I like to think of myself as a creative writer- am I right !??!

Essentially, the idea of manifestation and meditation(for me at least) require a bit of creativity within your mind- the ability to not just envision what you want- but to truly also believe in it. After a few minutes of brainstorming- I put my pen to paper and I initially wrote down:

“Anxiety robs me of my passion and purposes in life. With freedom from anxiety, I would SUCCEED in a career and would feel more like “me” everyday. I would be free from my suffering.”

 I then went on to write-

“I want to work on not being so easily overwhelmed by daily tasks, and would like to have a better understanding of why anxiety happens to me.”

I then finished up by saying that I am sick of torturing myself through anxiety and that I would truly be fulfilled in life if I could pursue my passion and purposes, in a relatively “anxiety free” existence or at least in a manageable matter.

Truly  to find the WHY behind the anxiety, was my biggest reason for attending the workshop.

 

Guided Meditation to Follow

We then were told to review what we had written and to fully visualize the goals we mentioned above.

Okay and to be clear- this wasn’t just a “daydream” moment-  we were told to make it like a movie script coming to life and we are the main characters- EVERY DETAIL COUNTS.

You had to be able to visualize, what the scene would look like- when we reached our goals.

The scene had to be in clear colors, hearing the sounds and the smells and the tastes, every physical and emotional sensation to truly make this real, #manifest and #meditation combined.

Weirdly enough when trying to picture success in life- I kept smelling/ envisioning the scent of fresh sheets or towels right out of the dryer.

Upon review, I put together that a new wash load represents- a new moment in life- a “fresh start”- so that was this- my fresh start, away from fear and anxiety and into the future of success and happiness.

Each day- a new “batch of laundry” that has the potential to change the narrative.

It was a perfect start to the training, it set the tone for the weekend.

 

The Core Fear Behind our Anxiety 

 

“Sometimes we are all so afraid to be honest with ourselves because we know that honesty will lead to somewhere.” I wrote this ten years ago. “Can Fear walk us to something better?” 

  – Jessica Simpson, Open Book

 

 On the first FULL (8 hour day) of the workshop, Dr. Pressman further  introduced what we would cover throughout the course of the workshop (the  previous night was just an introduction and where we set our intentions) followed by three full 8 hour days (Friday- Sunday)

  Dr. Pressman introduced, the belief behind his theory of anxiety, and that theory is essentially that we have all developed one “Core Fear”, and that fear is the root behind ALL of our anxiety and suffering.

He breaks it down as follows.

 Single Core Thought/Fear: Any problem we have reduces down to that core fear. t’s about finding the fear- at the root of it all.

Core Fear:  Belief system of fears, that typically is believed to be born in childhood and sealed in adolescence .For example, upon this theory Dr. Pressman explains that we start developing coping mechanisms to combat our “fears” or “anxieties” as early as our first moments on earth- essentially even our childbirth experience can impact how we react to our fears.

Work with me here and don’t lose me if you don’t agree

Ex: Adolf Hitler had a very chaotic birth where the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck.

Okay Karen- before you freak out- i am not saying go out and hire a birth doula I am merely explaining how this all ties into the theory about fear that Dr. Pressman has introduced- more so calling upon the concept that we started forming coping mechanisms to combat our “fears” or anxieties as early as our first breaths. Our “fight or flight” responses, which were designed to hide fear.

 

*Side Note* Dr. Pressman uses “Fear” and “Anxiety” interchangeably.

 

Chief Defense

 

Chief Defense: Once we discover our core fear, we then develop coping mechanisms to combat it. Typically they are counterproductive as they feed into the fear.

Broadly speaking it’s similar to developing a “fight or flight response” or the idea of being a control freak, because you feel that by having a faulty sense of control over something that you are actually controlling the situation, when in reality you are not and you are most likely heightening your anxiety. See how it works?!? Counterproductive.

Essentially, fears and chief defenses bury our fulfillment in life. 

We then paused and were asked the following by Dr. Pressman: 

  What would freedom to be yourself look like?

And in this moment- I want you to pause- and ask yourself the same question that Dr. Pressman asked my class:

 What would freedom to be yourself look like?

P.S. Once you find the answer to this- or the vision- promise me you will never stop chasing your freedom to fulfillment through facing fear- to become WHO YOU ARE MEANT TO BE!

 

Five Core Fears

 

“The Cave You Fear To Enter holds the treasure you seek.” – Joseph Campbell

 

Okay so we’ve talked about  Dr. Pressman’s theory, that the root of all of our suffering can be tied back to a “Core Fear”, which is the “why” behind our fear and anxieties. 

So what exactly are the Five ‘Core Fears”. 

Mind you, Dr. Pressman encourages you make the Core Fear terminology your own- to fit your exact experience, however to hold true to his theory, all of your fear hindering you from fulfillment falls into one of the five below. 

 

   1. Fear of Abandonment (Failure/Rejection):We all know the importance of giving and receiving love – (this core fear plays into fear of loss of love, belonging and abandonment as well) Some of the disguises of this Core fear can be betrayal, rejection loneliness, disinterest, caretaking, shame and neediness.

 

2. Loss of Identity: Who we truly are beyond the relative, shifting roles we play and masks we wear. Authenticity is rare and most of us hide our true selves as a chief defense to this core fear, while longing to “be” as we actually are.

 

3. Loss of Meaning: Fear of losing or not finding worth, value and meaning within our lives. (This emptiness, along with feeling of being cut off from where meaningful life is happening is the essence of depression and existential isolation.)

 

4. Loss of Purpose: Closely related to meaning, in fact it’s the “action” component to meaning. The drive for fulfillment, that which impels us to create (what is meaningful) and the chief defense to this core fear would be the fear- that we will not have the chance to express oneself fully) To lose our purpose stimulates a fear of having nothing to look forward to- no hope.

 

5. Fear of Death: The ultimate form of loss, death takes away all chance to reach fulfillment.

 

Can we be free from Anxiety?

 While I do not remotely serve this workshop justice, as this is Dr. Pressman’s area of expertise -I cannot encourage you enough if you are able to, to attend the workshop, although a bit costly I know he is able to work out payment plans (not an ad BTW just good vibes.) Again however if you are not able to attend- I would highly encourage picking up his book, which discusses in great detail his theories on fear and fulfillment, and the guided meditations and exercises we used during the workshop, to help pinpoint our Core Fears and Chief Defenses. 

 This experience was honestly life altering, and truly confirmed for me that there is a root behind our anxieties and with that  I want to share with you my own “come to” moment, based on discovering my own Core Fear to show you how our anxiety is all interconnected to one Core Fear. 

 The first “exercise” was designed to help us identify our “Core Fear” from the five categories above. As I had mentioned previously, during each exercise we were called to visualize- as specifically as you could all about your vision of fulfillment in life.

Painting a picture of a movie, seeing, feeling, and smelling how it all plays out- fully meditating into a parallel universe of sorts, manifesting and meditating the life you dream of, a life away from fear and into fulfillment. 

 During one of the many exercises, after meditating we were called to answer two questions to ourselves, and during this I came to the realization of my own Core Fear. 

The questions were as follows that helped trigger the realization:

1.What would life look like for you, in your full fulfillment, free from anxiety?

 To which I responded: “I Would be Completely Limitless and quite literally nothing would stop me from success, if I didn’t have anxiety.”

 2. What is the biggest problem that you are currently worrying /fearful of and how would life look if this was no longer a problem?

 To which I wrote the following:

 “My biggest problem is I fear starting my coaching business, because I fear that I will fail in the business world- yet again. I am too scared to even start because I don’t want to be rejected or to fail.”

 “If this was no longer a problem, I would be an extremely successful coach, helping others overcome life’s obstacles- some of which I have faced, and I would go after whatever I wanted in life, realizing that rejection is a learning lesson not failure. I would be free and my mind would be at peace.”

 We then went on to dissect each of our responses to the questions as a group, and worked together to pinpoint our Core Fear. 

 **Mind You**– Oh did I mention this workshop- although open to the public was mostly made up of therapists and those working in the mental health profession- so I was with experts and enjoyed every second of being psycho- analyzed- LOL. There was literally no escaping my truth and my fear and I needed that. 

 Long story short, upon several meditations and guided exercises, I was able to define my Core Fear,  and honestly once defined tears of joy came to my eyes, and all the sudden I started piecing together so many anxious pieces of my life, where I was able to bridge a gap understanding how fear and my chief defense played roles.

Drum- Roll Please…..

 

Fear of Abandonment

Remember when I mentioned how Dr. Pressman said to make the “Core Fear” a name that makes sense to you- well this is why.

I remember that by definition it made sense that my root, my core fear behind my anxiety is this “Fear of Abandonment” but the word itself sent me into a tizzy.

I kept saying: “I know that my parents have never and would never abandon me.”

“I have great friends and family, I am not abandoned.”

So I made the word my own;

I have a core fear of “Fear of Rejection/Failure.”

Okay so once I identified this I started having an influx of memories flooding my brain- of all the moments where this fear had played a huge role in life.

Here are some of the more obvious examples:

 

Rejected by Co-Worker

I know it looks like I can’t stop harping on this- but truly it’s because I realized that this is my core fear- the fear of being rejected.

At my last job- I had a very good amount of friends- and friends who I still talk to on a daily basis. What has me looking back is- instead of embracing those who liked me and respected me- I let the ONE person who didn’t like me set me into a tizzy and because I was so overcome by this feeling of her rejecting me- I wasn’t able to look at all of the good that was around me- because  of well “FEAR OF REJECTION.”

 My very Core Fear was coming true, and instead of being able to see clearly that it doesn’t matter what she thinks, that I accept myself and better yet even her non-acceptance of me- I was still standing- and nothing that I worried about came true from being rejected- except my own anxiety- fueled by this fear.

Oh perspective- Oh how I wish I knew what I knew now- but I took the lesson.

 

Staying In A Toxic Relationship For SO Long

I know I have numerous time also brought up the toxic long term romantic relationship I was in- but work with me here- my blog is a place of healing and that’s just what it has done for me so therefore I call upon hard situations in life I’ve overcome for perspective.

For the past three years, I have searched long and hard to dig deep into why I would stay in something I knew was so wrong for me. I knew in the moment- but for a long time didn’t have the strength to leave.

Once I left- the healing and forgiving of myself began. I was so mad at myself for so long for allowing negative treatment and to stay in something that every instinct said was wrong.

I couldn’t understand what kept me- and better yet I needed to know how to make sure this wouldn’t happen again- for awhile I couldn’t trust myself. I felt like I let myself down.

Now I understand that this Core Fear, Fear of Rejection– was the driving fear behind staying in something so toxic and so wrong for me. I realized I didn’t need to forgive myself instead I needed to free myself from the fear.

Before leaving, my anxiety was in overdrive and I would constantly ask myself: What if I don’t find anyone again to be in a relationship with? 

 I then also realized, in my relationship- I was more- lonely then I feel being single to this day- because I was being emotionally rejected, and that my friends plays into this core fear.

I stayed because I was being rejected in the relationship, and feared being rejected outside of it. I feared I had failed in this relationship and had failed at some “duty” society places on us- (women especially) to get married and have children.

See how this works? My core fear- influenced all areas of my life- without me even being aware of how interconnected it all was.

The same theory above goes into:

Staying In A Toxic Work Environment For To Long When I Knew It Wasn’t For Me

 I feared leaving a job, because I felt like I didn’t make a difference or better yet leaving meant “failing”. I also feared leaving- to only be rejected in other adventures.

Wait what?!?! Do we see a common theme here?

 My Core Fear, of “Abandonment” caused me to develop a Chief Defense- that in order to protect myself from the idea of” failing” in return, as a defense I held myself back from trying new opportunities because without even trying, I already feared I would fail. A faulty sense of security staying with what we know. A Chief Defense no less.” 

YOU COUNTERPRODUCTIVE CHIEF DEFENSE YOU. 

What I’ve learned now is- take the lesson, listen to your intuition- and  instead stop allowing the fear of failure or rejection to stop you from going after what you want in life.

As Dr. Pressman stated

“What would life look like for you, in your full fulfillment, free from anxiety?”

 Keep asking yourself this, not just while reading but every-day.

Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff

Okay , Okay- maybe the examples above are more obvious- but let me now share for you- how your core fear really influences your “daily anxieties” as well- because that’s where I had a hard time finding the connection.

Throughout the entire workshop- Dr. Pressman harped on societies failed idea of productivity and success, which is the mindset that “How Productive you are equals how successful you are.”

The idea of busy, jammed packed, anxiety filled days- fueled by fear are what society uses to measure being successful in life.

The reason behind this is that if we measure our success by our level of how much we get done each day- we then develop the mindset of being fueled by fear and tasks.

The fear that “we cannot rest or relax until everything is done.”

(UMMM – how can our to do lists ever end?!?! )

With that – during one of the last exercise’s of the workshop Dr. Pressman- asked us all to write down a “looming chore” we have- that causes us stress, fear or anxiety.

Immediately I wrote down “packing” ( I was putting off packing for Ireland at the time and have you seen my posts about how my bag is always labeled “heavy cargo”- stressful AF.)

Dr. Pressman then said “ I will give you x amount of time- to go do your “daunting task.” He then explained- the moment however you start to get into the groove of the chore- you must stop and sit there until the chore no longer weighs on you.

 “Be still and know that fear will not guide your life or tasks.”

 “Your life should not be fueled by the fear that you cannot rest until everything is done.”

Okay, Okay- I know this all might sound so ODD but truly it’s not and it worked.

So there I was packing and packing- finally getting into the groove- and then suddenly I made myself just stop.

For the first two minutes, I started profusely sweating, looking and worrying about not being able to pack, ANXIOUS AF, thinking the following:

“I have the workshop all weekend, when will I find the time to pack”, or “I can’t pack when I’m tired and I need this done or else.”

Thinking about everything that could go wrong, I then started to feel a shift.

 THERE IT IS

The very task of packing always stresses me out- but how is this related to my Core Fear of Rejection?

Basically, I know that I am not the most organized of people- and that has caused me anxiety over my life, and made me to feel some sort of rejection for those who seem to have it all “together and organized.”

For example I had an old boss tell me she disagreed with how I organized my gmail inbox- (that’s a story for another time but same principle)- the idea of being rejected by someone else’s view of how, why or when something should be done.

Or the big picture idea, of”if you don’t do something, by societies terms, the fear of being abandoned or rejected.” 

All of these- no matter how small or stupid they may seem all feed into this Core Fear- The  Fear of Rejection or abandonment or Fear of Failure (however you want to say it.)

This is a small and maybe not obvious example- but it made me realize how fueled by fear – the fear of needing to be productive how this has detrimental effects on our everyday life.

**Disclaimer** I will never understand all those whose “claim to fame” is they only do carry on luggage- and those who cannot believe even for a weekend trip my bag is usually over the 50LB limit, but this is off topic but had to be said (see luggage point above.)

Becoming a Life Coach  

“You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” – Steve Maraboli

 

 Again, I would encourage you all to read Dr. Pressman’s Book,”The Journey from Fear to Fulfillment: Deconstructing Anxiety,” or to sign up for his workshop- as this blog was based on all of his theories – I am merely explaining my “come to moment” from my experience.

I’m emotional as I write this, because truly I never thought I would ever be able to get down to a logical reasoning behind my anxiety.I also never realized how much fear was behind my anxieties, and how it has shaped all of my decisions in life thus far.

Moving forward now- having this logical rationalization of such illogical feelings (anxiety) I feel as though I have finally set myself free from my pain and suffering I’ve endured over the course of my life, relatively speaking.

The day the workshop ended- I applied for the Life Coach Academy I had been eyeing for over a year and then took to my blog and to Instagram to announce my decision because #notakebacks #onceitsonsocialmediaitsreal.

Now that I am aware of what drives my fears, I no longer allow my days to be fueled by fear of productivity or of fear of rejection if I don’t get through my To Do List.

I have been able to take back the narrative of my life- and it’s all I can truly hope for you all. It’s a process and I’m working it everyday. 

`

“Everything you have ever wanted, is sitting on the other side of fear.” – George Addair

 

 

*Disclaimer* Everything quoted and referenced within this post comes directly from Dr. Pressman’s Theories, book or the workshop and I am not taking any credit- I am merely sharing my life changing experience and encourage you all if you can to do the same! 

 

The best is yet to come. Live Presently and Fearlessly.

Vibes
Xo,