“Anxiety Is a Siren. Intuition is a Whisper.”

Moving to Philadelphia was point blank one of the only decisions in my entire life that I made solely without consulting ONE PERSON.

As a co-dependent people pleaser, who lacks boundaries (thank you therapy lol) this was a big freaking deal for me!

Essentially, I got really clear on what I wanted or more so I started listening to what no longer served me and I started to trust in my gut- without dismissing it as anxiety/fear.

I started showing up for myself and realized that by staying where I was because it SEEMED easier than deciding or taking action- I was dishonoring myself because I wasn’t doing what served me any longer by staying in a place that no longer served me.

  Paralyzed by fear,(because change is scary/hard AF) trapped in my own thoughts, but deep down knowing that I needed to take action.

For a long time I sat paralyzed by fear, afraid to act and lastly ridden by anger that “things were not working out for me as I planned.”

So angry that I felt like the world was somehow punishing me, or not affording me opportunities I wanted no matter how hard I worked.

And that was the moment I realized, I had to make my way through my fears and to listen to my gut and although it wasn’t obvious what it was saying- it became obvious where I was supposed to be when I started exploring the options.

“Let Go You Were Never in Control Anyways.”

  Last winter, I am sure like so many with the pandemic- my (our) anxiety was at it’s all time worst.

On top of that I was also in the middle of quitting Adderall (a stimulant used to treat ADD/ADHD- that I have been prescribed since 7^th grade) which was adding to having regular panic attacks and debilitating, skin crawling anxiety. Literally I just could not get comfortable in my own skin and was barely sleeping-I felt like a walking zombie.

The panic attacks became more severe and occurred more regularly- which started to make me fear them, which in turn caused them to occur more often- and so the viscous cycle of what seemed like a chicken or egg situation was happening.

By that I mean I started to not even know what was causing them, but I couldn’t control my racing, skin crawling thoughts.

I started to fear and become anxious about getting panic attacks which in turn created more and more anxiety or as my therapist says, “What you resist, persists.”

Truly a vicious circle, which led me to deciding to start seeing a therapist. (Everyone should be in therapy- but that’s for another time.)

Since day one of therapy, we have worked on me “Gaining Clarity, and overall, just getting really clear on what I want in life, or what I do not want (often it’s easier to start with what you do not want.)

Funny thing is often we are afraid to express out loud or to ourselves honestly WHAT WE REALLY WANT.

  Often we are told (by society) what we should want, and often we are not at peace when we are trying to achieve what society wants verse what WE REALLY WANT.

So much of our anxiety stems from feeling out of control and fighting to be in control- and with that often we hold on to relationships, situations, jobs or even our homes which no longer serve us because for whatever reason (often because they feel familiar, we then have a false sense of security.)

Change is hard but as they say ;“The Only Way Out is Through.”

New York or No- Where

Ever since I was a wee little girl I had my sights set on New York City. In fact in 5^th grade when we had to pick a state to be – you know your girl was New York.

We had to make a catchy slogan to help our audience (our parents and family) to learn more about our state.

My famous line was “Hi I’m Miss New York, and the capital of New York is Albany- as in AL(I’ll) BE SHOPPING.

 LOL- I had my eyes set on NYC forever, and I always dreamed of it being my forever home.

Grieve the Life You Thought You Would Live

“Sometimes You Have to Let Go of The Picture of What You Thought Life Would Be Like & Learn to Find Joy In The Story You’re Living.”

 

I think so often we associate grief with physically losing someone, but something I have learned is that grief is the experience of a loss of any sort- and it’s not linear- there are ebbs and flows.

So whether it’s grief over a job, opportunity, friendship or loved one – any loss be it big or small is valid, and grief comes along with it.

For me as a little girl I never truly felt like I fit in- I truly felt different and always day -dreamed about what my future life would look like.

When you’re a kid, the goal almost is to just fit in- so any interests that differed from the crowd just wasn’t cool.

I was always an old soul and knew I would hit my stride as an adult, because I would have a newfound freedom- to fully just be myself.

Anyways, the loss and “grief” I felt when realizing that Hoboken and NYC were no longer affording me the same opportunities of growth, I went through a mourning process of sorts, and at times my emotions made me feel foggy about what decision to make next- but even in those foggy/emotional moments where I tried to gain clarity- I knew one thing for sure

I was paralyzed by fear and completely complacent in what I was doing, which meant it was no longer serving me. And again and again;
“THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH.”

My lack of inaction was an action in itself- I was staying somewhere that no longer served me because it felt safe-the unknown scares the shit out of me!

Rejection is the Universe’s Way Of Protection

 I mean NO wonder more opportunities were not presenting themselves to ME. I was stagnant, stuck and essentially staying WAY TO LATE AT THE PARTY.

My time was up, and when I truly listened to myself (without consulting others) I got really clear on this vision.

Not taking action is an action or choice, and for me personally speaking often this reasoning is feared based. Fear has kept me so complacent and stagnant over the course of my life- but it’s time to take back the narrative.

We are the gatekeepers to our truth, and to our happiness but so often we get clouded by the outside noise, limiting beliefs and self -doubt that we allow ourselves to stay where we are, because it’s a false sense of security.

Fear also gets in the way of mental clarity and convinces you that you do not have all the answers for yourself.

The City of Brotherly Love

 Point blank (and maybe it was my stubbornness) of trying to prove I could “live away from home” and to make a life away from the comforts of home.

Whatever it was – I never dreamed I would not only end up in Philadelphia, but how much I would love it!!

Once I found the apartment and made my decision, truly after that the stars really started to align. Things started falling into place, and truly for the first time in a while I can say I have my creative spark back and feel much more like myself again.

I truly am exactly where I need to be- and I ended up here by simply listening to my gut and to my heart.

I am not starting over, I am starting a new chapter in the City Of Brotherly Love. The ultimate act of self-love is honoring your truth and moving through fear.

You owe it to yourself to receive the love you so freely give to the world.Trust yourself, after all no one knows better!!!!

 

“The Best Decisions  Aren’t Made With Your Mind, But With Your Instinct.” – Lionel Messi

Vibes
Xo,