“I Should Be More Established in the career world by now.”

“I Should Be Dating More.”

“I Should be Dating.”

“I Should Start the dating apps.”

“I Should Put myself out there more.”

“I Should post on Social Media More.”

“I Should be doing laundry.”

“I Should clean the house.”

“I Should socialize more.”

“I Should save more money.”

“I Should start getting 10,000 steps a day.”

“I Should be able to handle that better.”

“I Should be thinner.”

“I Should have more patience.”

“I Should be married.”

“I Should have kids.”

“I Should text my friends more.”

“I Should meditate.”

“I Should journal.”

“I Should work out.”

“I Should apply for jobs.”

“I Should be employed.”

“I Should spend more time with my kids.”

“I Should cook more for my kids.”

SHHHHHHHHHHH- SHAMEEEEEEE

I Should BE

Insert your “I should” here- as I know the list goes on and on – for how ever it applies to your daily life but you get the picture and I know we are all guilty of this!

What it means?

Whenever we are filling our minds, or attaching meaning to the thoughts of “I should be doing this-“ we are “Should-Shaming” and guilting ourselves into what we believe we should be doing at a given moment or on a given day- or where we think we SHOULD be in life- as opposed to WHERE WE ACTUALLY ARE.

NO wonder our generation is fueled by anxiety and depression, no one is honoring where they are in the present moment and we are being way to DAMN HARD ON OURSELVES.

Okay- now all at once breath in and say the following:

“YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU NEED TO BE.”

 Continue this mantra even when you don’t believe it (our minds listen to our words.)

I truly believe that the universe does not make mistakes, so there is a reason for why you are where you are, so be fully present there, and trust in that, and if nothing more trust in yourself.

 

One day at a time or even one hour at a time or even one minute at a time (WHATEVER IT TAKES!)

And once more “You are exactly where you need to be.”

Should-Shaming: Why is this bad?

It’s should-shame-guilt so it’s exactly in the word but let’s dissect.

 Shame: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

Isn’t it insane to realize all the damaging thoughts and limitations we convince ourselves of, simply by shaming ourselves?

By shaming ourselves for “where you are not yet” and by not giving yourself the grace to truly grow and by not accepting that “you are where you need to be” you are making yourself feel less then, and this is where you can get really stuck.

Acting on Guilt

Fear and guilt go hand in hand for me, and through therapy and my overall wellness journey I have realized how much they have impacted my daily decision making or lack thereof.

Frozen in Fear

When I began my journey to starting my blog, at first I started following so many bloggers on social media for “pointers.” What started to happen however was that I would hop on Instagram first thing in the morning to look at some of my favorite bloggers (probably ten years in the business) posting all day about various business adventures- I would then in turn either try to copy what they were doing (even if it didn’t feel right for me) or I would freeze in fear and anxiety, having a total panic attack that I was “so behind in life” and not able to get anything done because I was sitting in a “pity party stew.” #frozenbyfear

So it was the fight or the flight mode- associated with guilt/shame.

Now over a year out since I first launched my blog-I have realized that I needed to be where I was a year ago- to get to where I am now– I just wish I had learned that the guilt and shame I placed on myself also didn’t need to be there because it made it way HARDER on myself. 

 What I mean?

I could have never envisioned that my blog would turn into a mental health blog and that this would lead to me becoming a certified life coach and starting my own coaching business! Literally I thought I was going to write about BRUNCH and BRAVO- LOL.

See- by having to go through the hard growing journey, and to deal with the shame of feeling like “I wasn’t where I wanted to be” I actually received the greatest gift of all (in disguise) and that was the ability to see that when I stopped shaming and guilting myself- I was able to make room to grow and for creativity.

And to think for a long time I would sit in my condo- alone, crying and anxious- feeling guilt and shaming myself into becoming something else for others and not honoring that by giving myself grace, I have been brought to exactly where I need to be.

Guilting yourself and acting on making decisions  based solely out of fear or the fear is stopping you from being able to act at all.

In a generation of instant gratification and social media, its only natural to compare yourself, however guilting and shaming yourself for not being in a place in life where your peers are, or where you thought you would be is very damaging to your phyc and it DOESN’T SERVE YOU.

 

Growth is painful, but apart of growing is learning to let go of what no longer serves us, or what NEVER SERVED US.

Growth is creating awareness around the inner blocks that are standing in our way and helping us to push through them and into who we are meant to be!!

I think personally that fear can present itself in the forms of both debilitating anxiety (Me lol!)  where you are in “fight or flight mode” therefore you either act out of fear and maybe take on too much causing burnout/stress/shame or the opposite you “freeze” up and are paralyzed and unproductive due to the fear.

For me personally, fear has caused me to act out in both fight or flight and now I am actively understanding how much I have been in my own way simply by “Shaming and Guilting myself” and not honoring my present journey.

While I know that Should- Shame-Guilt will not just go away overnight and often it’s good to speak to someone professionally (a therapist, a coach etc) I want to provide some “self care tips” I have started to implement into my daily life that have helped me to release a lot of this shame and guilt.

 Reminding myself my worth is not determined by “How much of my to- do list I got done that day

  You can write all the to- do lists that you want and given the perfect day and perfect scenario I am sure those lists get accomplished- but no day is perfect and we have to make due with what were working with. (bad sleep, anxiety, life just happening, etc)

Simply put in terms of to- do lists.

1. Do the hardest thing/thing your avoiding the most FIRST
2. Don’t keep adding to a list that nothing is getting crossed off, you will continue to burnout and overwhelm- work on what you have on there first.
3. Be realistic- understand exactly what you are trying to get done and be fair with yourself.
4. Do your BEST.

 

Giving yourself Grace

  “Give yourself the grace and kindness you so freely give to others.”

Life is hard enough (now more than ever) and with all the hostility we are facing within our world, the last thing that we need to do is to give ourselves a hard time (goodness we are so hard on ourselves, I know I am my own worse enemy sometimes!) 

Think about advice you would give to a friend who came to you to say they felt really overwhelmed about life- most likely you would tell them to be a little kinder to themselves (give yourself this same “grace”) during points where you feel a little more down on yourself. 

 

“Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda”

Turn your Wounds Into Wisdom.- Oprah Winfrey

With the help of my therapist I am working to come to terms with and towards releasing the guilt and shame I have placed on myself based on past decisions or mistakes (we all make them) and based on the guilt i feel for not being where I want to be at this time in life (being 100% honest!)

What I am learning however is that by shaming myself for not being where I want to be, and by having guilt based on past decisions (which I cannot change and that are apart of my journey) I am taking away from being fully present and moving forward with where I am now.

I am working to honor where I am, by being as present as I can with where I am now, and releasing the “I should be further.”

I am also working on not always looking to the future for happiness “when I achieve this, I will be happy”- because living in the future is what fuels anxiety and shaming and being guilted by the past leads to depression/depressive thoughts.

I am a MAJOR work in progress, and honestly some days are really, really hard- but growth hurts and often we don’t talk enough about that #growingpains.

So here’s to the journey and here’s to anyone who is trying their absolute best- that is all we can do!

 

The Only Impossible Journey Is The One You Never Begin. – Tony Robbins

 

Vibes
Xo,